Naturally Dumb

In times of stress and surprise I guess your true colors come out. My true colors are I'm as dumb as a brick. Two proofs:

Proof the first.

I was sitting at home alone upstairs doing some work, when I heard someone call out. It was only after I responded, "What?" that I remembered I was home alone. And yet, I thought, there's no way that voice came from outside. My first thought was that I had finally gone crazy; I was hearing voices! I was a paranoid schizophrenic. Then the voice called out again. Okay, this time I was SURE I heard it for real, and it wasn't my imagination. My second thought then was that there was a ghost in my house calling to me. It was about 3 in the afternoon, and my mom later reasoned that it couldn't be a ghost when it was that bright in the day, but this is what I discovered about myself: in my head, it is FAR MORE LIKELY that there would be a ghost in my house than an intruder. The idea that a stranger was walking around my house while I was in it was simply not a candidate. When the voice called out for the third time, it FINALLY registered that it could be an intruder, and I'd better investigate.

It turned out it was my neighbor bringing over some food. I put part of the blame on her, because her methods were definitely unorthodox. Instead of coming around the front and ringing the doorbell, she went into the backyard, tried the back door, found it open, and stepped inside before she started to inquire if anyone was home. Talk about weird. No wonder it was the last thing I considered! Still, it turns out I'm even weirder, so as they say, people in glass houses. I'm more likely to believe in ghosts than intruders, and I'm more likely to believe I'm crazy that either of the above.

Proof the second.

I was at a mixer yesterday hosted by the Ivy Plus Society (the Ivies and a handful of other snooters they don't mind demeaning themselves with, like Stanford, Oxford, and MIT) when I had my first real, candid celebrity sighting. It's actually so pathetic, I'd rather forget about it: it was the Millionaire Matchmaker from the show on Bravo. Except at the time I wasn't sure if it was her or just someone who looked like her. I think she shed some pounds, because she was definitely missing a few chins. I nudged my friend and said, "Hey, that woman at the bar: isn't that the Millionaire Matchmaker?" My friend couldn't confirm because he had no idea who that was. As I was explaining to him that it was a tv show, etc, I started to dismiss my initial impression. I mean: what are the chances that this bimbo went to an Ivy League school?

DUH!! It didn't occur to me until THIS MORNING, when I was getting out of bed, that mixers like these were her JOB! Why would I just assume that no one would want to be at this party unless they had that soft spot that only alumni can have? Well, probably because these events are so awful, I naturally thought that everyone else in the world would avoid them. Still, I must be retarded for forgetting that this is a city of golddiggers...and that justified or not, I'm a part of this potential pool of gold that must be dug. It's easy to forget when you're ass poor like me.

Holy Crap! It's a Civil War Reenactment!

My town is pretty eventful for a small town. There's a place on the main street where they put up banners for special event, and when there isn't anything special, they just announces the farmers market. It's like a town crier. On occassion, I'll see something that sparks my interest, but not enough to make me follow up on it....until today! Today there was a banner for the SCCWA's (Southern California Civil War Association) fifth annual CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT. How could I NOT go, when it's 5 minutes from my house? I'd be crazy to miss out on this craziness!

It takes place on April 4-6 (Fri-Sun). The problem is I'm going to have a houseguest until Saturday. Will I be able to convince her that this shenanigan is worth checking out? God, I hope so. Otherwise, I'll just have to go on Sunday. That'll be when the Confederates surrender, so it should be interesting.

Technical Agony

I am SOOOOOO angry right now, I'm see red every time I think of all the work I lost. On Thursday night I busted ass to meet a deadline, even though I was hella sick and tired of the project by 10pm...I skipped meals and showers and didn't rest my eyes so I could do it. By 1:30, I was ready to call it a day, and was shutting down the computer when...well. long story short, none of my work got saved. Ok, sure, maybe it's no big deal to lose 3.5 hours of work, but the real pisser is trying to write it all over again. I get so enraged when I get stuck and remember that I had the wording right before, but now it's lost forever. I literally break out in spontaneous bursts of beating my head and pulling my hair. Because of this anger thing, I've been working about 8 hours just trying to recover Thursday's work.

The only thing that keeps me sane is (ironically) Britney Spears. I'm listening to Blackout on youtube, and the critics weren't kidding back in October when they were calling it her best work. I assumed they were bullshitting because the bar was set so low, with Britney going batshit and all. But now I'm thinking I might have liked it coming from anyone else.

This sort of makes me want to buy Blackout, even though I almost never buy pop music, and certainly not until it's no longer current. I mean, it really was an amazing feat. Against all probability, Britney not only did SOMETHING, she managed to do something really good. I feel like I should reward that kind of effort and miracle when I can, because it's so unlikely. It's like when Haley's Comet comes around, you have to go see it, even if you don't give a shit about comets.

B-Dubs: The Reason for the Season

This year the Easter Bunny is bringing me the ONE thing I loved better about Michigan than California: a Buffalo Wild Wings. It was always my great regret that the wings places around here sucked so hard, with their one sauce, that was mostly vinegary, and hardly spicy. Someone else must have had the same thought, because B-Dubs is now invading my hometown. A mere 5 minutes from my house I'll have...12 different sauces...3 levels of spiciness...Mango Habanero...Carribean Jerk...Asian Teriyaki...

Dude, I'm getting teary just thinking about it.

Losing It (Help Me?)

I never used to be at a loss for a word. If there was something I needed to say, I could always pinpoint the exact word I needed to say it. Months of dissipation are dulling my brain. The other day I couldn't for the life of me remember the word "parochial" until hours later, when I finally pulled it together while I was trying to fall asleep.

Now I'm working on a short essay for my freelance job, and the word I need means subjective, but it's the one they use when talking about a person's personal statement. Like: applicants are selected according to their standardized tests, GPA, and other [blank] qualities. Basically I think it's supposed to denote the opposite of quantifiable.

WHAT AM I GRASPING FOR?

In the Year 2000

In a bizarre coincidence, biologists will discover that the camel's vagina looks just like the human toe.

Snubbed by David Johansen!

If you know me, you know that David Johansen is pretty much my raison d'etre. I love everything about him, to the point where it defines me. Well, last Sunday I saw the "reunited" Dolls play and I stuck around afterwards hoping to catch a glimpse of my adoration. I did, and I finally got to introduce myself to Johansen. I asked for an autograph, and he was nice enough to oblige. I was about to ask him for a picture next, but he turned his back to me while I was in mid-sentence, and started talking to someone else!

Snubbed by my hero! Seriously, that is humbling. I suppose I'm not as cute or as charming as I thought. Well, such reminders are good for me, and I'd even say it's good for my love. Isn't it true that we love those to whom we are insignificant? Cf. God.

Still, grapes get sour with that kind of treatment. I can freely say now that I was not a fan of Sunday's performance. About half the songs were from their new album...which I guess is fair, but honestly: WHO COMES TO HEAR THE NEW SONGS?

It was a busy weekend. On Monday I saw This Is Hell again at the Knitting Factory. It was a lot of fun, even though Hollywood is a bit of a nightmare; at least there was a bar. On Saturday I saw Norm McDonald at the Improv. Good show! I had insisted that we go to the first performance, because the only other standup I've seen was Tracy Morgan, and he was incoherently drunk by the time I saw him go on at 11...but it turns out that precaution was unnecessary, since Norm doesn't drink. He isn't an alcoholic either, as he stressed in his jokes. It was a good batch of jokes, including some edgy/questionable material: child-fuckers, gay pride, and funerals. I won't attempt to record them here, since a lot of it was in the delivery, but I'll share some of the jokes from the opening comedian. His set ups were a little obvious, but the jokes were good, so that makes him pretty amenable to the sound byte:

"My girlfriend is pregnant. Aw, thanks. We're really nervous, because it's our first abortion... Hey, it's a joke! Really, I was only kidding, because I got a vasectomy. That means if I have a kid, it'll come out blank."

"How about that make-up sex? Make-up sex is wild! She'll get all crazy and start screaming things you've never heard, like, Untie me!"

"Are you guys all warmed up now? Are you ready for a night of comedy? Good, because I got a lot of material."

Warm Up Post: Law & Order Inspired

Since it's been so long since my last post, I thought I'd warm up to the blog by writing about my favorite activity, watching Law & Order SVU. But that claim should be amended now, because I've started to branch out to the original Law & Order - SVU became less dependable as a daily date when I noticed that I've seen most of the episodes by now. But luckily for me, there's a whole other series to tap into.

My preliminary impression is: the Order part is much better, the Law part not as good. I can't get enough of Sam Waterston, aka Jack McCoy, because he's kind of an asshole, but always right. It's funny, that's exactly the kind of person I'd hate in real life, but that seems to be the rule when it comes to fiction. The same goes for Seth from Superbad. I thought he was just brilliant; I was discussing his character with a friend when an awful truth was uncovered:

"Aw man, that Seth guy was so funny! I feel like he reminds us of a kind of friend we all know...but I can't put my finger on who that would be."
"You know what it is? I even said this to Lisa when we were watching it: certain mannerisms, some of the things he says...they're EXACTLY VJ!"

Ahhhh, horror! That's pretty gross, let me tell you. However, I'll say this in my defense: VJ never drew hilarious pictures of penises.

But back to the subject at hand, Law & Order. As I said, the Law part isn't as interesting to me as it is in SVU. I think it might have to do with the revolving-door cast of characters, who all start to blend together after a while, and yet none of them are as dynamic to me as, say, an Elliot Stabler. The one exception I'll make is for Jerry Orbach. He's compelling because he's almost an anti-detective - semi-geriatic, disengaged, good with the occasional one-liners. He represents an unglamorized side to detective work that is fascinating because it's so routine: he asks normal questions, doesn't get too passionate about the case, and yet through old-fashioned thoroughness, he manages to crack strange and lurid cases.

The rest of this post will be about SVU, and hair.

My mom used to say when we were kids that white people can't cut Asian hair. She was absolutely right. Last night there was a rerun of an old 2001-ish episode in which BD Wong was wearing the most ridiculous, ass-clown haircut. Basically it was an 80s flat top, because the stylist went too short on the sides, and because Asian hair tends to be bristly, it didn't lay down flat to cover the scalp. I doubt a gay guy would have gone out and done this to himself, so it must have been the set stylist, and an Asian stylist would have known better.

I never really noticed how good-looking Zach Morris is, because that blond toupee-like thing wasn't doing him any favors back in his Saved By the Bell days. A few nights ago they were playing an old SVU episode with Mark-Paul Gosselaar as the guest victim - and I couldn't even recognize him at first. I just thought, that's a good-looking guy. Then I went off to eat, and was just listening to the TV. I heard the voice and it hit me: holy cow, that's Zach Morris! I wasn't expecting him to be a looker; after all, the last time I saw him he was turning into a fatty. But by 2001-ish, Zach was thin and dark-haired, and it was a nice improvement. You could definitely see more of his Indonesian heritage, which the blond used to obliterate.

Current Audio

Not exactly current, but I just found the playlist for one red-hot radio show that took me to the beach this afternoon. It's from a dance music show on KUCI called Remix Reuse Resample.

KSPC, have you met your match? I've always given them special props for their Back and Forth, a punk and hardcore show, but I never heard anything this cool on their house counterpart, Love Electric:

The Gossip - Listen Up! (ATOC Extended Mix) - A Touch Of Class Still Stucks**
The Ting Tings - Great DJ (Calvin Harris Remix)

Muscles - Sweaty (Shazam Remix) - Sweaty Remixes**
Whitey - Cigarette - Wrap It Up EP
Coco Electrik - Apple Pie (Skylab Remix) - Apple Pie Single

Simian Mobile Disco - I Got This Down - Attack Decay Sustain Release (Night Facilities Remix)
Danger - 11h30 - 9/14 2007 EP
Hot Chip - Colours (Fred Faulke Mix) - Colours Promo

Add N to (X) - Brothel Charge - Add Insult To Injury - REQUEST
Ghostland Observatory - Sad Sad City - Paparazzi Lightning
The Teenagers - Love No - Reality Check**
The Fashion - Like Knives - The Fashion EP**
The Touch - Le Night Dominator**

Does It Offend You, Yeah? - With a Heavy Heart (I Regret To Inform You)**
The Slips - Girls At The Back Up - Girls At The Back Up Single**
Dmitry Fyodorov - 1987
Sunny Day Sets Fire - Brainless (Baron Von Luxxury Remix) - Stranger Remixes**
Dragonette - I Get Around - Robopop: The Return

MEN - Shake It Off
The Count of Monte Cristal & Sinden ft. Kid Sister - Beeper**
Santogold - L.E.S Artistes (XXXChange Remix) - Creator / L.E.S Artistes EP**
Ghosthustler - Someone Else's Ride - Someone Else's Ride

PNAU - Baby (Breakbot Remix) - PNAU**
Escort - All Through The Night - All Through The Night
Holy Ghost! - Hold On - Hold On EP
Chromeo - Needy Girl - Needy Girl EP

Hektor - Technologic
The Juan MacLean - Happy House - The Future Will Come**
FEATURED MIXTAPE: Jerry Bouthier - Kitsune BoomBox (Mixed By Jerry Bouthier)**

Some Bad and Some Good

There's a new name to my bane, and it's called www.websudoku.com. I should have known better than to step into this, with my addictive personality! I was trying to solve the sudoku in the Sunday Times, but got frustrated and turned to the web. Terrible idea.

The unexpected good that came out of this, though, is that it was an easy weaning from my celeb gossip addiction. I've been trying to get off thesuperficial.com because the quality of the jokes has really tanked; I think the old writer might have sold it off unbeknownst to us, because iwatchstuff.com sounds a lot more like thesuperficial than thesuperficial does now. Dlisted was never as funny, but the reporting was much more thorough...but then that thoroughness became a problem of its own, since it became a time vacuum to catch up with all the important ish each day.

On an unrelated note, I went surfing today, and I had the funnest time in a long time! I really felt myself moving onto a new plateau...baby steps, but an upward movement nonetheless.

Shred of Dignity

I didn't want to start posting all my law school responses until they all came in, for fear of being too self-celebratory (or self-humiliating), but then I thought, What the hell! I been without self-esteem for so long I've forgotten what it feels like, so I might as well live it up while I can.

UM accepted me and is offering a half-scholarship. It probably won't sway me from choosing Stanford, but geez, it sure feels nice.