Hoist by My Own Petard

I guess I accomplished my goals: I broke up a relationship. I don't know how much I can take credit for it, since the gf was actually the one who dumped Sleazy Guy, but it's giving me an interesting window into what role I would play if I were the homewrecker.

I probably should have seen it coming, though I didn't because I honestly never thought a rational person would go nuts for someone they've known for 2 weeks. In short, Sleazy Guy had a total meltdown. Suddenly I was the confidant. At the time I was irritated as all hell and asked him to spare me the details about the relationship. But in a more leisurely moment I reflected that maybe I was abdicating one of my essential duties at an inevitable stage in man-snatching. Maybe what was supposed to happen is that I was supposed to be his emotional support, show him how tender and caring and dependable I was in his time of crisis, how much better I was than the other - as a friend and maybe as something more - and then get him so dependent on me that love would be like shooting fish in a barrel.

I DID NOT HAVE THE PATIENCE. I don't know how these girlfriend-types put up with the self-absorption of these transitional men. I mean, people get dumped, you grieve for it, you review for any lessons you might want to take from it, and then you move on. It's not a big deal. Your friends, the most they can do is take you out for ice cream, and if they really want to be depressing, a "night out on the town." But it's not like they can say or do anything that will negate the fact that you've been dumped.

And given my history with this guy - our mutually expressed attraction - I felt it was especially presumptuous for him to wax nostalgic about the sweetest moments he shared with his newly minted ex.

It's possible that I blew the whole experiment by dropping the ball after all the bases were loaded, to mix my metaphors. But I have to think there's an easier, less noxious, way to steal a man. If there isn't, perhaps it serves me right for wasting my time with all this stupid, morally dubious scheming. Oh well, I still think it was a useful way to pass the time while I was bored out of my mind, these last few weeks of the summer.

I'm That Good

This is a follow up to the post, If I Were a Minx. Interesting turn of events. I'm learning that maybe some men want to be pursued.

I tried that strategy of suggesting a non-date date. Last weekend my coworkers got a booth to see Point Break Live. There was 1 empty seat left, so that gave me the perfect opportunity to test Sleazy Guy's relationship. It would have been better if I had two spots so that I could invite the gf too, but there you have it. I offered him the ticket a few days before the show, apologizing for springing it on Labor Day weekend and on date night - of course, making it clear that the gf was cordially not invited, while also making it clear that it was a group hang. He ignored me until Monday. I told him he was tardy to the party ("What party?") and there was a bit of silence. Then the next day he asked me if he could bootleg Microsoft Office off me. Random query right? I responded that mine was a bootleg itself, but I offered to buy him the software with my student discount. He said yes. Then he proceeded to try to set up a lunch date. The only day that worked was Friday, so he cancelled his existing lunch date to squeeze me in.

I take that to be a rather good sign.

The psychology behind this exchange bears some analysis, though I honestly have no idea at what point he decided he was interested. Obviously I had to show some interest first, because he was happy to let almost a week go by in silence. That flimsy conversation about the software mystifies me, because clearly it was some kind of turning point. Did he change his mind after I made a friendly gesture? Did he rise to the challenge once he decided that I was just being a friend and was opting out of the "game"? (It's factually true that at that point I was fed up with him and resolved not to pursue him; but I usually make it point not to burn bridges with exes.) Did I just smoke him out with patience in not making a "move"-move? Is he using me to get discount software?

These questions will be answered, hopefully, at tomorrow's lunch.

RIP James Jay Lee

He's the guy who terrorized Discovery Channel today and took hostages as a way of protesting the false heroism of artificial baby factories glamorized on reality TV. Here's a snip of his manifesto:

"All programs on Discovery Health-TLC must stop encouraging the birth of any more parasitic human infants and the false heroics behind those actions," it reads. "In those programs' places, programs encouraging human sterilization and infertility must be pushed. All former pro-birth programs must now push in the direction of stopping human birth, not encouraging it."

I'm very sad about this tragedy because I totally think the terrorist had a legitimate point. He was deranged in his choice of communicating the message, but he's right about how much harm influential cultural vehicles like TLC can do in defining people's values. And mindless reproduction is not a "God" thing or a phenomenon to be celebrated. The world is way too over populated. Almost every social problem I can think of will be vastly improved if we could only have fewer people in the world. This goes beyond our environmental problems.

Lee was shot to death by the police. I hope his death was not in vain. Putting aside any question of whether he "deserved" to die - which implicates too many philosophical questions including, but not limited to, is eye for an eye true justice, especially when he died before he could take an eye - he obviously felt we needed a loud wake up call on this issue. I agree with him. I hope that the cause is not tainted by the violence of this episode. I hope instead that people will start thinking critically about how serious this issue is.

If I Were a Minx

I saw an old law school friend the other day for brunch. We're not exactly friends, so much as we're star-crossed lovers. We had an instant physical attraction as soon as we met, but the whole year we were in school together, I was with Luis. Then he graduated, and then I broke up with Luis, and then he was away for a year doing a clerkship. He's been back in my city for 2.5 weeks now.

During that time, he met a girl. He says they're "pretty committed" already because they've been seeing each other every day.

Here's the dilemma: Do I try to snare him away? It might be a worthwhile exercise, just to convince myself that I could do it when it matters - though no doubt, a part of my integrity would die in the process. On the other hand, I don't really take seriously his conclusion that the relationship could be serious already.

The threshold question is whether he's worth all the effort of snaring away. In a lot of ways, he's the kind of guy I'd marry. He's good-looking, smart, over-educated, successful, non-arrogant, non-popular, but also sleazy enough to satisfy my "bad boy" craving. My first objection to him, as far as personality mesh goes, was that he's a little boring. But I've mostly gotten over that concern, since we had a fairly nice time over brunch. He's well read and could supply pretty stimulating intellectual conversation, which is fun enough for me.

On the con side, he's sleazy. I'm 100% sure he'd cheat on me. That's assuming I could marry him, which isn't even clear given the family situation. But if I were to marry him, I think we'd almost be in a competitive race to out-cheat the other. We've both flirted with each other on pretty clear terms while we were involved with other people. Given this known history, we'd both be so convinced that the other is likely to cheat again that we'd try to beat the other to the punch and thus make it a self-fulfilling prophesy.

I thought, if I'm going to be involved with a guy like this in the long term, I'd have to be ready to scheme all the time so that I could out-maneuver him. My first instinct was, Hells to the no; no one is worth it. Then I got to thinking, what kind of guy could I hold onto if I'm NOT willing to scheme? No doubt a guy who isn't smart and good-looking and socially graceful, who is so grateful to have me that his faithfulness would be assured. And such a guy, no doubt, is likely to be a total garden gnome.

So if I want to get a "catch," I thought, I better get used to the idea of obsessing about him constantly.

Usually my forte is silence. I will cool my heels and resist the urge to call and/or stalk the guy even if it kills me. My reasoning is, how would the guy's dream girl act? And my conclusion i the dream girl will let him do his shit in peace until he's good and ready to take the next step. Most of the time it works. But if it doesn't work (or even if it does), the beauty of this strategy is that I personally stop giving a fuck by the time he calls again.

I endorse this strategy if it's okay not to give a fuck. But the game changes if I'm after a long-term goal, like marriage. It would be foolish to let go of one of the few caliber guys out there just because I wanted to be "cool" or "win" at the game. And I would be taking a huge risk if I simply hope that he'll come around to missing me. That might be fine if I were sure I made an impression on him, but I at least have to initiate enough contact to know I have him hooked.

So that brings me to the current quandary: If I were to play this game, what would be my next step? It's been 2 days since our brunch, and neither of us has called, texted, or emailed. History shows that when we're out of sight and out of mind, I have to initiate. I'm not sure how much I interested him to get him to miss me - especially if he thinks he's in a committed relationship. I have no idea what my competition is like. I actually have no idea what he likes, who his dream girl would be. He's a sleazy guy, but I get the sense he kind of goes for shy girls. He mentioned that intimacy with his gf is "awkward."

So far I was thinking I would leave him alone until he was ready to sort things out with his relationship, but that's a passive approach - my old forte - and the desired outcome might never happen. I've concluded that to be more aggressive, I will have to call him up, remind him that I'm here, and set up some kind of non-threatening, non-date date. A very skilled ladies' man once advised me that the best way to break up a relationship is to be with the bf all the time as a friend. The gf will naturally get jealous and start acting like a shrew. The bf will start to be protective over his freedom and masculinity and they will fight. Eventually, they will break up.

I totally believe this advice, even though I never tried it. The ladies' man's credentials are impeccable, plus it just makes sense. So I was thinking, in this hypothetical world where I'm a minx, I execute the following plan:

1. Invite him to casual bar night.
2. Ideally, I would ask him to go to an event with the Ivy Plus Society. Because the gf did not go to an Ivy Plus school, she will feel a natural and immediate disadvantage - a slight inferiority combined with feeling out of place.
3. I would say I'm eager to meet the gf, and we can have a group hang.
4. I haven't decided how important it would be for me to invite other wing people. The pro is that it would reinforce the initial claim that its a casual group hang. It's important that the bf get that message. The con is that it might reinforce the claim that it's a casual group hang. It's important that the gf NOT get that message.
5. Timing: the next Ivy Plus party is on Sept. 11, so I have to figure out my strategy before then.

Probably I'm not going to go through with it. It's a lot of work for a prize I'm lukewarm about. But I want to start training myself to think that if the stakes are high enough, I have to be ready to rumble.