If I Were a Minx
I saw an old law school friend the other day for brunch. We're not exactly friends, so much as we're star-crossed lovers. We had an instant physical attraction as soon as we met, but the whole year we were in school together, I was with Luis. Then he graduated, and then I broke up with Luis, and then he was away for a year doing a clerkship. He's been back in my city for 2.5 weeks now.
During that time, he met a girl. He says they're "pretty committed" already because they've been seeing each other every day.
Here's the dilemma: Do I try to snare him away? It might be a worthwhile exercise, just to convince myself that I could do it when it matters - though no doubt, a part of my integrity would die in the process. On the other hand, I don't really take seriously his conclusion that the relationship could be serious already.
The threshold question is whether he's worth all the effort of snaring away. In a lot of ways, he's the kind of guy I'd marry. He's good-looking, smart, over-educated, successful, non-arrogant, non-popular, but also sleazy enough to satisfy my "bad boy" craving. My first objection to him, as far as personality mesh goes, was that he's a little boring. But I've mostly gotten over that concern, since we had a fairly nice time over brunch. He's well read and could supply pretty stimulating intellectual conversation, which is fun enough for me.
On the con side, he's sleazy. I'm 100% sure he'd cheat on me. That's assuming I could marry him, which isn't even clear given the family situation. But if I were to marry him, I think we'd almost be in a competitive race to out-cheat the other. We've both flirted with each other on pretty clear terms while we were involved with other people. Given this known history, we'd both be so convinced that the other is likely to cheat again that we'd try to beat the other to the punch and thus make it a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I thought, if I'm going to be involved with a guy like this in the long term, I'd have to be ready to scheme all the time so that I could out-maneuver him. My first instinct was, Hells to the no; no one is worth it. Then I got to thinking, what kind of guy could I hold onto if I'm NOT willing to scheme? No doubt a guy who isn't smart and good-looking and socially graceful, who is so grateful to have me that his faithfulness would be assured. And such a guy, no doubt, is likely to be a total garden gnome.
So if I want to get a "catch," I thought, I better get used to the idea of obsessing about him constantly.
Usually my forte is silence. I will cool my heels and resist the urge to call and/or stalk the guy even if it kills me. My reasoning is, how would the guy's dream girl act? And my conclusion i the dream girl will let him do his shit in peace until he's good and ready to take the next step. Most of the time it works. But if it doesn't work (or even if it does), the beauty of this strategy is that I personally stop giving a fuck by the time he calls again.
I endorse this strategy if it's okay not to give a fuck. But the game changes if I'm after a long-term goal, like marriage. It would be foolish to let go of one of the few caliber guys out there just because I wanted to be "cool" or "win" at the game. And I would be taking a huge risk if I simply hope that he'll come around to missing me. That might be fine if I were sure I made an impression on him, but I at least have to initiate enough contact to know I have him hooked.
So that brings me to the current quandary: If I were to play this game, what would be my next step? It's been 2 days since our brunch, and neither of us has called, texted, or emailed. History shows that when we're out of sight and out of mind, I have to initiate. I'm not sure how much I interested him to get him to miss me - especially if he thinks he's in a committed relationship. I have no idea what my competition is like. I actually have no idea what he likes, who his dream girl would be. He's a sleazy guy, but I get the sense he kind of goes for shy girls. He mentioned that intimacy with his gf is "awkward."
So far I was thinking I would leave him alone until he was ready to sort things out with his relationship, but that's a passive approach - my old forte - and the desired outcome might never happen. I've concluded that to be more aggressive, I will have to call him up, remind him that I'm here, and set up some kind of non-threatening, non-date date. A very skilled ladies' man once advised me that the best way to break up a relationship is to be with the bf all the time as a friend. The gf will naturally get jealous and start acting like a shrew. The bf will start to be protective over his freedom and masculinity and they will fight. Eventually, they will break up.
I totally believe this advice, even though I never tried it. The ladies' man's credentials are impeccable, plus it just makes sense. So I was thinking, in this hypothetical world where I'm a minx, I execute the following plan:
1. Invite him to casual bar night.
2. Ideally, I would ask him to go to an event with the Ivy Plus Society. Because the gf did not go to an Ivy Plus school, she will feel a natural and immediate disadvantage - a slight inferiority combined with feeling out of place.
3. I would say I'm eager to meet the gf, and we can have a group hang.
4. I haven't decided how important it would be for me to invite other wing people. The pro is that it would reinforce the initial claim that its a casual group hang. It's important that the bf get that message. The con is that it might reinforce the claim that it's a casual group hang. It's important that the gf NOT get that message.
5. Timing: the next Ivy Plus party is on Sept. 11, so I have to figure out my strategy before then.
Probably I'm not going to go through with it. It's a lot of work for a prize I'm lukewarm about. But I want to start training myself to think that if the stakes are high enough, I have to be ready to rumble.
During that time, he met a girl. He says they're "pretty committed" already because they've been seeing each other every day.
Here's the dilemma: Do I try to snare him away? It might be a worthwhile exercise, just to convince myself that I could do it when it matters - though no doubt, a part of my integrity would die in the process. On the other hand, I don't really take seriously his conclusion that the relationship could be serious already.
The threshold question is whether he's worth all the effort of snaring away. In a lot of ways, he's the kind of guy I'd marry. He's good-looking, smart, over-educated, successful, non-arrogant, non-popular, but also sleazy enough to satisfy my "bad boy" craving. My first objection to him, as far as personality mesh goes, was that he's a little boring. But I've mostly gotten over that concern, since we had a fairly nice time over brunch. He's well read and could supply pretty stimulating intellectual conversation, which is fun enough for me.
On the con side, he's sleazy. I'm 100% sure he'd cheat on me. That's assuming I could marry him, which isn't even clear given the family situation. But if I were to marry him, I think we'd almost be in a competitive race to out-cheat the other. We've both flirted with each other on pretty clear terms while we were involved with other people. Given this known history, we'd both be so convinced that the other is likely to cheat again that we'd try to beat the other to the punch and thus make it a self-fulfilling prophesy.
I thought, if I'm going to be involved with a guy like this in the long term, I'd have to be ready to scheme all the time so that I could out-maneuver him. My first instinct was, Hells to the no; no one is worth it. Then I got to thinking, what kind of guy could I hold onto if I'm NOT willing to scheme? No doubt a guy who isn't smart and good-looking and socially graceful, who is so grateful to have me that his faithfulness would be assured. And such a guy, no doubt, is likely to be a total garden gnome.
So if I want to get a "catch," I thought, I better get used to the idea of obsessing about him constantly.
Usually my forte is silence. I will cool my heels and resist the urge to call and/or stalk the guy even if it kills me. My reasoning is, how would the guy's dream girl act? And my conclusion i the dream girl will let him do his shit in peace until he's good and ready to take the next step. Most of the time it works. But if it doesn't work (or even if it does), the beauty of this strategy is that I personally stop giving a fuck by the time he calls again.
I endorse this strategy if it's okay not to give a fuck. But the game changes if I'm after a long-term goal, like marriage. It would be foolish to let go of one of the few caliber guys out there just because I wanted to be "cool" or "win" at the game. And I would be taking a huge risk if I simply hope that he'll come around to missing me. That might be fine if I were sure I made an impression on him, but I at least have to initiate enough contact to know I have him hooked.
So that brings me to the current quandary: If I were to play this game, what would be my next step? It's been 2 days since our brunch, and neither of us has called, texted, or emailed. History shows that when we're out of sight and out of mind, I have to initiate. I'm not sure how much I interested him to get him to miss me - especially if he thinks he's in a committed relationship. I have no idea what my competition is like. I actually have no idea what he likes, who his dream girl would be. He's a sleazy guy, but I get the sense he kind of goes for shy girls. He mentioned that intimacy with his gf is "awkward."
So far I was thinking I would leave him alone until he was ready to sort things out with his relationship, but that's a passive approach - my old forte - and the desired outcome might never happen. I've concluded that to be more aggressive, I will have to call him up, remind him that I'm here, and set up some kind of non-threatening, non-date date. A very skilled ladies' man once advised me that the best way to break up a relationship is to be with the bf all the time as a friend. The gf will naturally get jealous and start acting like a shrew. The bf will start to be protective over his freedom and masculinity and they will fight. Eventually, they will break up.
I totally believe this advice, even though I never tried it. The ladies' man's credentials are impeccable, plus it just makes sense. So I was thinking, in this hypothetical world where I'm a minx, I execute the following plan:
1. Invite him to casual bar night.
2. Ideally, I would ask him to go to an event with the Ivy Plus Society. Because the gf did not go to an Ivy Plus school, she will feel a natural and immediate disadvantage - a slight inferiority combined with feeling out of place.
3. I would say I'm eager to meet the gf, and we can have a group hang.
4. I haven't decided how important it would be for me to invite other wing people. The pro is that it would reinforce the initial claim that its a casual group hang. It's important that the bf get that message. The con is that it might reinforce the claim that it's a casual group hang. It's important that the gf NOT get that message.
5. Timing: the next Ivy Plus party is on Sept. 11, so I have to figure out my strategy before then.
Probably I'm not going to go through with it. It's a lot of work for a prize I'm lukewarm about. But I want to start training myself to think that if the stakes are high enough, I have to be ready to rumble.
posted by Rex at 12:55 AM
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