Apple To Rescue Album Sales

Working in conjunction with four major music labels, Apple plans to bundle the digital albums it sells with interactive booklets that include liner notes, lyrics, and photos. What do you think?

"This ought to stop illegal downloading. You can't get liner notes from BitTorrent."

Obama Meets With Gates, Arresting Officer

President Obama is holding a meeting with Harvard law professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr. and Cambridge police sergeant James Crowley today in order to "have a dialogue." What do you think?

"It won't be as incendiary as it sounds. Obama just wants to ask Gates and Crowley what they think of his health care plan."

New Home Sales Up 11%

Sales of new homes jumped 11 percent to their highest point this year. What do you think?

"One the one hand, I'm glad the economy is recovering. On the other hand, I'm disappointed my neighbor's sufferings may soon find reprieve."

Palin Abdicates Gubernatorial Seat

Alaska governor Sarah Palin turned over executive control of the state to Sean Parnell, saying that if she served a lame duck year in the office, it would not benefit anyone. What do you think?

"I am shocked to learn that Sarah Palin could be such a hypocrite. How could talk about handicapped animals like that, with her kid in that condition?"

U.S. May Have Killed Bin Laden's Son

A U.S. airstrike in Pakistan may have killed Saad bin Laden, the son of terrorist Osama bin Laden. What do you think?

"We were aiming for Afghanistan - and in fact, we were aiming for Osama - but we're happy to take our victories as they come."

Bad Lab Results Often Unreported

A review of more than 5,000 medical records from doctors' offices across the nation revealed that bad test results were not reported to patients 7 percent of the time. What do you think?

"To be fair, we doctors can't figure out what's wrong with the patient at least 30 percent of the time."

Dairy Cattle Slaughtered During Record Surplus

In light of a glut of milk, the National Milk Producers Federation is paying dairies to slaughter 103,000 cows. What do you think?

"I may start eating hot dogs again. It'll be nice to have some beef mixed in there with the horse."

Whitney Houston To Release Comeback Album

Arista Records announced that in September pop diva Whitney Houston, singer of the song "I Will Always Love You," will release her first album of new songs in seven years. What do you think?

"I didn't realize Whitney Houston still had record-selling power. Arista must have gotten a tip that she's about to get battered again soon."

The British Are Nuts

How is Mamma Mia! the highest grossing movie of all time in the UK? It beat out Titanic by a comfortable margin, and I think it was so popular it got re-released in the UK at some point. If I had a gay acid trip it would look exactly like Mamma Mia! It's like they thought we wouldn't notice the incoherence and the terrible pacing if they threw enough sequins in our eyes. There was no reason for Meryl Streep to end up with Pierce Brosnan. And Colin Firth: either they were intentionally trying to piss me off, or they else forgot about him halfway through the movie. The third guy, they clearly forgot about until the last five minutes.

In No Condition to Write a Joke

I almost died this morning! Two cars collided in the intersection, where I was waiting to cross the street. One car went to my right and the other went to my left and plowed into the sidewalk, about 15 feet from where I was standing. I didn't see it coming until I heard the crash. Then I started running away, but it wouldn't have saved me if the cars went in my direction, because there wasn't anywhere for me to go.

Census To Count Gay Marriages

In a reversal of Bush administration policy, the 2010 census will recognize gay marriages. What do you think?

"I'm disappointed it didn't happen before. My lesbians' group had the perfect name lined up: the Bushy Census."

Anti-Smoking Drugs May Induce Suicide

The Food and Drug Administration ordered "black box" warnings be placed on two popular smoking-cessation drugs after numerous reports from users of depression, and even suicidal thoughts. What do you think?

"The FDA should also put labels on ice cream tubs warning about loneliness, abandonment, and the despair of dying alone."

Studies Show Alternative Medicine Ineffective

After spending $2.5 billion, the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine has found that most alternative medicine cures—like echinacea, ginkgo biloba, and shark cartilage—do not work. What do you think?

"I think they were using the wrong samples. The general rule is, the more endangered the animal, the more effective the medicine."

Brüno A Success

Brüno, the new film from Sacha Baron Cohen, screened this weekend to critical and box office success. What do you think?

"And here I thought their tagline, 'Borat was so 2006,' might as well have been 'Electric Boogaloo.' Shows how much I know."

Mississippi The Fattest State

An annual survey found that, for the fifth consecutive year, Mississippi was the American state with the highest rate of adult obesity. What do you think?

"In order to stay relevant, Mountain will have to change the lyrics of 'Mississippi Queen' to 'Mississippi Dairy Queen.'"

Chinese Porn Filter A Failure

Green Dam, the image-scanning software designed by the Chinese to block pornography, also blocks more benign images, including a Garfield movie poster and pictures of cooked pork. What do you think?

"Green Dam is not a porn filter. It filters out images of ecologically unsustainable habits, such as overconsumption and meat-eating."

President Obama Still Smoking

Claiming to be "95 percent cured," President Obama admitted he still occasionally smokes a cigarette. What do you think?

"No no, I was misquoted. What I said was, 'I may be 95 percent pure, but I'm still smoking!"

30 Years Of The Walkman

Portable music became a reality 30 years ago with the introduction of the Sony Walkman. What do you think?

"Portable music was a reality long before then, and less geeky. All the cool kids carried boomboxes on their shoulders."

Karl Malden Dead

Actor Karl Malden, known for his work in A Streetcar Named Desire and The Streets of San Francisco, died at 97. What do you think?

"He was a great man. He lived until 97 and never became Karl Baldin'."

New Healthier Pigs

Scientists have cloned pigs that are engineered to contain omega-3 fatty acids, which produce healthier pork. What do you think?

"Yes, but does omega-3 make happier pork?"

Julia Child A Spy?

(The Onion has been recycling headlines since the Robert Pattinson post.)

According to newly released documents, chef Julia Child worked for the Office of Strategic Services, a U.S. spy agency, during World War II. What do you think?

"That makes sense. I always thought her angel food cake hid the taste of cyanide exceptionally well."