Is Fergie Busted? On Self-Confidence
I have this friend named Toddy - a 5'5" sorta gangsta dude, a lot of fun and really funny - who is totally pimp. I've often thought about him and wondered how this short, funny guy managed to befriend every pretty girl at school, and even date some of them. When I first met Toddy, it was 100% obvious that it was a Line (first day of class, he leaned over and asked if I got the books from the bookstore), before he stretched out his hand and introduced himself. I replied that we had already met, since I used to date his friend. After that, Toddy backed off a little; but when we started talking more, he showed himself to be a huge flirt. It was funny and cute, so I didn't take it seriously, and pretty soon that built familiarity.
I used to think that maybe it was because of (and not in spite of) his short, unimposing exterior that he was able to get away with flirting shamelessly like that. After all, as my taller friend pointed out once, a more threatening figure would more likely be slapped than befriended. I accepted this hypothesis until I met Sonny, who is also a shameless flirt. Sonny likes to say that when he walks into a room, he naturally assumes that every single person in there wants him. It's a bit like myself, who makes it a policy to flirt with everyone, and then see who bites. Sonny is of course even more confident than that, though.
Anyways. I didn't make any kind of connection between Sonny and myself until last week, when the debate arose whether or not Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas was hot. Everyone attested that she was old and busted, except for Sonny and me. We couldn't think of one objectionable thing about her, and to this the others said that if she wasn't so made up in the videos she would look bad.
Suddenly it occurred to me that maybe what was so pimp about guys like Sonny isn't so much their confidence in themselves, but their confidence in others - which comes naturally from being generous to flaws. Maybe when you reach that level of grotesque flirtation, you stop being threatening because others intuit that you couldn't possibly be judging them negatively. It's a bit like a discussion I was having about this kid Mo:
Me: I don't really like Mo. He presents himself as a misanthrope.
Friend: I think he's just painfully shy. He's afraid of making mistakes in class, because he thinks that we're all thinking less of him.
Me: But that's ridiculous! Why would he think that? Unless: he thinks less of me when I make mistakes in class...in which case, I still have no good reason to like him.
The conclusion I came to from this conversation, basically, was that insecure people are the most likely to be judgmental. I think the same applies to social and dating situations as well. We find the quality of self-confidence attractive because a person who is kind to himself will probably be kind to us, too.
I used to think that maybe it was because of (and not in spite of) his short, unimposing exterior that he was able to get away with flirting shamelessly like that. After all, as my taller friend pointed out once, a more threatening figure would more likely be slapped than befriended. I accepted this hypothesis until I met Sonny, who is also a shameless flirt. Sonny likes to say that when he walks into a room, he naturally assumes that every single person in there wants him. It's a bit like myself, who makes it a policy to flirt with everyone, and then see who bites. Sonny is of course even more confident than that, though.
Anyways. I didn't make any kind of connection between Sonny and myself until last week, when the debate arose whether or not Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas was hot. Everyone attested that she was old and busted, except for Sonny and me. We couldn't think of one objectionable thing about her, and to this the others said that if she wasn't so made up in the videos she would look bad.
Suddenly it occurred to me that maybe what was so pimp about guys like Sonny isn't so much their confidence in themselves, but their confidence in others - which comes naturally from being generous to flaws. Maybe when you reach that level of grotesque flirtation, you stop being threatening because others intuit that you couldn't possibly be judging them negatively. It's a bit like a discussion I was having about this kid Mo:
Me: I don't really like Mo. He presents himself as a misanthrope.
Friend: I think he's just painfully shy. He's afraid of making mistakes in class, because he thinks that we're all thinking less of him.
Me: But that's ridiculous! Why would he think that? Unless: he thinks less of me when I make mistakes in class...in which case, I still have no good reason to like him.
The conclusion I came to from this conversation, basically, was that insecure people are the most likely to be judgmental. I think the same applies to social and dating situations as well. We find the quality of self-confidence attractive because a person who is kind to himself will probably be kind to us, too.
posted by Rex at 5:56 PM
2 Comments:
You took an argument and made it as generous as possible, dear self-confident one. Let me also phrase it another way: the more insecure you are, the more you need to judge and put down others so that you feel less bad about yourself.
What a great paraphrase! Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to say, although I don't think the generous interpretation is totally off either. FYI, Sonny is the very source of that hilarious diarrhea story I told you this weekend (possible post to follow, for my other readers). A guy who feels comfortable telling a story like that, you KNOW he's not going to judge others.
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