She-VJ
What happens if you take VJ and give it a vagina - a real vagina, not a metaphorical one?
AILEEN WUORNOS.
Incredible! But true: on Tuesday I met a woman named Sally at my old workplace (I had a job interview near the area, so I stopped by during lunch for a visit); she was annoying me in all the same ways VJ used to, except her mannerisms were just like in that movie Monster, and so I was scared on top of annoyed.
Brief aside: times like this make me miss the simple idiocy of VJ. He used to give me these wonderful "soundbyte" gems of character illustration, almost caricature, and I'm learning that this is much more rare than I would hope. I remember the last time I did a Loser Sketch was that Korean "mafia-connected" clown Andy, and it took me forever to catch the finer shades of his blundering, because it revealed itself in a roundabout way. I see that the Sally sketch is going to take some work as well, which must be why I postponed it on Tuesday to today, Friday.
Let's begin with the obvious: Sally looked just like Lee:
1. the same swagger in the walk. MOST EERIE.
2. sexual ambiguity
3. cut-off t-shirt: specifically, an extra-large t-shirt with the arms cut off
4. stringy hair...but not unstyled. Lee would volumize the sides, even if the rest was flat and greasy, while Sally wore these hideous bangs. They weren't bangs exactly, because they were as long as the hair in the back, but she pulled them forward over one side of her face, though the rest of the hair was tied back. Also, her hair was wavy, but the bangs were limp and straight.
5. rough skin. It's that sunburned/freckled look that seems to obliterate the features, like you might be looking at an eyebrow-less face.
EPISODE 1
Sally: ...A gives the best massages.
A: You know, it's one of those things I've always thought about doing. Quit this job, become a masseuse.
S: If you're serious about it, you should talk to me sometime, and I can tell you how to get started with it. There was a time in my life when I wasn't sure what I wanted to do - I was doing a lot of blow, and dealing, and partying with rock stars every night, and it was too good for me to give up - so I checked out massage therapy school. It turns out I gave worse massages after the school than before, but whatever, if you want to do it, you have to get a license. A lot of hookers -
A: [laughs]
S: No, it's not what you think I'm going to say!
A: Just the phrase: "a lot of hookers."
S: I know I have a million stories about hookers, but I swear this isn't one of them. I was GOING to say: a lot of hookers advertise as massage therapists, so they've been getting busted a lot. If you want to do it as a business, you have to get licensed. But anyways, here's how you would set it up...
[description. Very "Lee" in the employment of hand gestures: like an executioner!]
...you'd still have to keep this job, you know, so you don't go broke, but do this on the side, during your lunch breaks. But seriously, you should talk to me about it.
EPISODE 2
"My teacher [from massage school?] hooked me up with a lot of people. She's great. I helped her move one time, and I said up front, 'You know why I'm doing this, right? See all those stairs? I'm not doing this because I need the money, I wouldn't be doing it for just that. I'm doing this because I know you have connections and I want you to hook me up.' She understood."
EPISODE 3
A story about doing hash all day long in Amsterdam, and all the varieties and frequency thereof. No need to repeat it in detail, because we've all heard it before from that kind of dude who's a college freshman just back home on break after his first semester of freedom. But that's precisely what was so off about it: as with VJ, you don't expect to hear about certain topics as the substance of bragging after a certain age.
EPISODE 4
S: E, we were talking before about your new boyfriend. How come I haven't met him before?
E: Oh. He was just here. We went to lunch, but he dropped me off because he had to be somewhere.
S: What's he like?
E: He's really nice.
S: Is he cute?
E: Um, yeah.
A: He looks a bit like...sorry E, I don't mean to this come off the wrong way, but he kind of looks like E.
E: It's okay, I've heard that before. We're both blonde, blue-eyed.
Me: You'll have harmonious-looking children.
S: Yeah, or children that would be good to sell. My best friend is looking to buy a little girl, and I bet she'd love one of yours. She even has a name picked out: Shelby
A: Shelby is cute.
Me: [stunned, mute. Not only is the concept CREEPY AS ALL HELL, but SELBY was the name of Lee's lover. True, the real-life "Selby" had a different name, and Selby is still different from Shelby, but I couldn't get it out of my head that Shelby is exactly the kind of name a serial killer would love.]
S: We've talked so much about Shelby already that sometimes I forget she's not real. The other day I was talking to my friend's husband on the phone, and I was like, "How's Shelby?" He's like, "Who?" and I was all, "Oh yeah, you don't know about her yet! Just my imaginary godchild."
EPISODE 5
E: I'll be spending a few days in Vegas during Valentine's Day.
S: What are you going to do there? See some shows?
E: Yeah, shows. Maybe some clubs, if we can get in.
S: Don't worry about that, I'll hook you up. But you have to see a show if you're in Vegas.
E: Aren't they expensive? We don't really have a lot of money right now.
S: There are ways around that. You have to talk to the right people, and a lot of times you can get a deal right before the show. If they haven't sold out, they might as well give you the seats instead of letting them go empty, right? Anyways, my friend Pamela - who's whoring her ass off in Vegas - might be able to get you tickets. We're not talking right now, but that's okay, I can call her about THIS, and not mention the other thing. I'll call her up [gestures an imaginary phone, like Lee in that scene when she's talking about office jobs] and say, "Hey, I need some tickets." And she'll be like, "I thought we weren't talking." "We're not, not about that thing, I'm still pissed about that. But that doesn't mean I can't call you about something else if I need it." "Oh, so you want to talk about this, but not that?" "Yeah, and you should think really carefully about if you want to go there. All the blackmail I have on your ass, and you really want to go there?" She'll say, "No, you're right, we don't have to talk about that." Haha! Time will heal all wounds. Anyways, make sure you call me before you go to Vegas.
E: I will. Maybe we can go to the Playboy club?
S: Oh, the Playboy club shouldn't be hard to get into.
A: Yeah, that's a great Valentine's Day: honey, let's go see strippers -
S: No, I meant, I should have AT LEAST enough clout to get the Playboy club, no problem.
Me: I bet they'll have something special on Valentine's Day...like a Girls Next Door filming! I love them these days, especially Kendra.
S: Ugh, Kendra is such a slob, I hate her!
A: [to me] That's her show, so she knows them all.
Me: Really? That's pretty cool.
S: Oh yeah, I hang out with them all the time. Kendra is the only one I don't like. You know how I am, I'm really organized [serial killer, haa...] and neat and punctual, and she's a sloppy mess. I told her, "You better clean up your act and start showing up on time," but she didn't listen, so I left her out of my picture. She's the only one who didn't get in. I told her there would be consequences...
Me: Yeah, but she's so funny on tv!
S: I'm warming up to her. I found out that she's a great golfer - I mean, the girl is really strong - so now there's something that I actually need from her. I'm working on getting my game up, so I'll hang out with her, and we're pretty cool these days.
EPISODE 6 (recurrent)
Insistence that E come over to her house sometime for a pool party and a PHOTO SHOOT by the pool. Can you say YIKES!!!? That's the trick Jeffrey Dahmer used on his victims! I don't know if E actually shat her pants with fear in secret; on the outside she just said, "Okay, that sounds like fun," but that's like like saying 2 + 2 = 5: not true, and retarded.
* * *
Incidentally, I don't think I ever wrote a response to Monster, because I believe I saw it in small chunks whenever it played on IFC, and I think I almost saw it backwards (the last 5 minutes the first time, then the last third, then the first third, then the first half, etc.) Anyways, here's what I think about it: the ending is so beautiful. Some might call it unrealistic and romanticized, but I thought it captures every anguish of betrayal perfectly. It's such a creative way to give that bit of artistic elevation - and thematic redemption - to a story that's sordid through and through, and a line of storytelling that's generally sad and uncomfortable.
AILEEN WUORNOS.
Incredible! But true: on Tuesday I met a woman named Sally at my old workplace (I had a job interview near the area, so I stopped by during lunch for a visit); she was annoying me in all the same ways VJ used to, except her mannerisms were just like in that movie Monster, and so I was scared on top of annoyed.
Brief aside: times like this make me miss the simple idiocy of VJ. He used to give me these wonderful "soundbyte" gems of character illustration, almost caricature, and I'm learning that this is much more rare than I would hope. I remember the last time I did a Loser Sketch was that Korean "mafia-connected" clown Andy, and it took me forever to catch the finer shades of his blundering, because it revealed itself in a roundabout way. I see that the Sally sketch is going to take some work as well, which must be why I postponed it on Tuesday to today, Friday.
Let's begin with the obvious: Sally looked just like Lee:
1. the same swagger in the walk. MOST EERIE.
2. sexual ambiguity
3. cut-off t-shirt: specifically, an extra-large t-shirt with the arms cut off
4. stringy hair...but not unstyled. Lee would volumize the sides, even if the rest was flat and greasy, while Sally wore these hideous bangs. They weren't bangs exactly, because they were as long as the hair in the back, but she pulled them forward over one side of her face, though the rest of the hair was tied back. Also, her hair was wavy, but the bangs were limp and straight.
5. rough skin. It's that sunburned/freckled look that seems to obliterate the features, like you might be looking at an eyebrow-less face.
EPISODE 1
Sally: ...A gives the best massages.
A: You know, it's one of those things I've always thought about doing. Quit this job, become a masseuse.
S: If you're serious about it, you should talk to me sometime, and I can tell you how to get started with it. There was a time in my life when I wasn't sure what I wanted to do - I was doing a lot of blow, and dealing, and partying with rock stars every night, and it was too good for me to give up - so I checked out massage therapy school. It turns out I gave worse massages after the school than before, but whatever, if you want to do it, you have to get a license. A lot of hookers -
A: [laughs]
S: No, it's not what you think I'm going to say!
A: Just the phrase: "a lot of hookers."
S: I know I have a million stories about hookers, but I swear this isn't one of them. I was GOING to say: a lot of hookers advertise as massage therapists, so they've been getting busted a lot. If you want to do it as a business, you have to get licensed. But anyways, here's how you would set it up...
[description. Very "Lee" in the employment of hand gestures: like an executioner!]
...you'd still have to keep this job, you know, so you don't go broke, but do this on the side, during your lunch breaks. But seriously, you should talk to me about it.
EPISODE 2
"My teacher [from massage school?] hooked me up with a lot of people. She's great. I helped her move one time, and I said up front, 'You know why I'm doing this, right? See all those stairs? I'm not doing this because I need the money, I wouldn't be doing it for just that. I'm doing this because I know you have connections and I want you to hook me up.' She understood."
EPISODE 3
A story about doing hash all day long in Amsterdam, and all the varieties and frequency thereof. No need to repeat it in detail, because we've all heard it before from that kind of dude who's a college freshman just back home on break after his first semester of freedom. But that's precisely what was so off about it: as with VJ, you don't expect to hear about certain topics as the substance of bragging after a certain age.
EPISODE 4
S: E, we were talking before about your new boyfriend. How come I haven't met him before?
E: Oh. He was just here. We went to lunch, but he dropped me off because he had to be somewhere.
S: What's he like?
E: He's really nice.
S: Is he cute?
E: Um, yeah.
A: He looks a bit like...sorry E, I don't mean to this come off the wrong way, but he kind of looks like E.
E: It's okay, I've heard that before. We're both blonde, blue-eyed.
Me: You'll have harmonious-looking children.
S: Yeah, or children that would be good to sell. My best friend is looking to buy a little girl, and I bet she'd love one of yours. She even has a name picked out: Shelby
A: Shelby is cute.
Me: [stunned, mute. Not only is the concept CREEPY AS ALL HELL, but SELBY was the name of Lee's lover. True, the real-life "Selby" had a different name, and Selby is still different from Shelby, but I couldn't get it out of my head that Shelby is exactly the kind of name a serial killer would love.]
S: We've talked so much about Shelby already that sometimes I forget she's not real. The other day I was talking to my friend's husband on the phone, and I was like, "How's Shelby?" He's like, "Who?" and I was all, "Oh yeah, you don't know about her yet! Just my imaginary godchild."
EPISODE 5
E: I'll be spending a few days in Vegas during Valentine's Day.
S: What are you going to do there? See some shows?
E: Yeah, shows. Maybe some clubs, if we can get in.
S: Don't worry about that, I'll hook you up. But you have to see a show if you're in Vegas.
E: Aren't they expensive? We don't really have a lot of money right now.
S: There are ways around that. You have to talk to the right people, and a lot of times you can get a deal right before the show. If they haven't sold out, they might as well give you the seats instead of letting them go empty, right? Anyways, my friend Pamela - who's whoring her ass off in Vegas - might be able to get you tickets. We're not talking right now, but that's okay, I can call her about THIS, and not mention the other thing. I'll call her up [gestures an imaginary phone, like Lee in that scene when she's talking about office jobs] and say, "Hey, I need some tickets." And she'll be like, "I thought we weren't talking." "We're not, not about that thing, I'm still pissed about that. But that doesn't mean I can't call you about something else if I need it." "Oh, so you want to talk about this, but not that?" "Yeah, and you should think really carefully about if you want to go there. All the blackmail I have on your ass, and you really want to go there?" She'll say, "No, you're right, we don't have to talk about that." Haha! Time will heal all wounds. Anyways, make sure you call me before you go to Vegas.
E: I will. Maybe we can go to the Playboy club?
S: Oh, the Playboy club shouldn't be hard to get into.
A: Yeah, that's a great Valentine's Day: honey, let's go see strippers -
S: No, I meant, I should have AT LEAST enough clout to get the Playboy club, no problem.
Me: I bet they'll have something special on Valentine's Day...like a Girls Next Door filming! I love them these days, especially Kendra.
S: Ugh, Kendra is such a slob, I hate her!
A: [to me] That's her show, so she knows them all.
Me: Really? That's pretty cool.
S: Oh yeah, I hang out with them all the time. Kendra is the only one I don't like. You know how I am, I'm really organized [serial killer, haa...] and neat and punctual, and she's a sloppy mess. I told her, "You better clean up your act and start showing up on time," but she didn't listen, so I left her out of my picture. She's the only one who didn't get in. I told her there would be consequences...
Me: Yeah, but she's so funny on tv!
S: I'm warming up to her. I found out that she's a great golfer - I mean, the girl is really strong - so now there's something that I actually need from her. I'm working on getting my game up, so I'll hang out with her, and we're pretty cool these days.
EPISODE 6 (recurrent)
Insistence that E come over to her house sometime for a pool party and a PHOTO SHOOT by the pool. Can you say YIKES!!!? That's the trick Jeffrey Dahmer used on his victims! I don't know if E actually shat her pants with fear in secret; on the outside she just said, "Okay, that sounds like fun," but that's like like saying 2 + 2 = 5: not true, and retarded.
* * *
Incidentally, I don't think I ever wrote a response to Monster, because I believe I saw it in small chunks whenever it played on IFC, and I think I almost saw it backwards (the last 5 minutes the first time, then the last third, then the first third, then the first half, etc.) Anyways, here's what I think about it: the ending is so beautiful. Some might call it unrealistic and romanticized, but I thought it captures every anguish of betrayal perfectly. It's such a creative way to give that bit of artistic elevation - and thematic redemption - to a story that's sordid through and through, and a line of storytelling that's generally sad and uncomfortable.
posted by Rex at 7:48 PM
5 Comments:
seriously, like Aileen Wournos? That's creepy. And, dirty. Ew. And the worst part, she-VJ. I had thought and hoped that he was sui generis.
Did you enjoy that part about baby buying? I gotta hand it to her, it's not quite like anything I've seen before. Not VJ, and I'm pretty sure not even Aileen Wournos.
Yeah, okay, this woman is creepy as all hell. Like, just bringing up baby selling, and her friend who's looking to buy one? And the whole, oh, I hate Kendra, but we're totally cool. Oh, I have at least enough clout to get you in the club. Ugh. That sounds very VJ like all right, but also, sociopathic and frightening! Man, stay away from this one. Can't trust a woman who looks like they have no eyebrows. Completely unrelated, but there's a super cute dog that just had his life saved on Animal Cops: Houston right now. Warms the cockles of my heart. Exactly the kind of thing that Sally would find disgusting. She'd like, kill the dog.
Wait, this S woman is REAL??????
All too real! Okay, I might have exaggerated how much I think she's a serial killer (most likely, she's not), but the rest can't be made up...including the fear she inspires, vis a vis babies and sociopathy.
Post a Comment
<< Home