One-liner Series

I've made it a pet project to get better at comedy. I think I'm generally competent when it comes to making funny conversation, but when I try to think of packaged, focused, written jokes - the kind of thing that would make me survive as a stand-up comic - I find myself stymied. All my jokes are just mean, and not clever. A few days ago, I started exercising that handicap by trying to come up with my own quips to the Onion's American Voices section. Then I thought it would help my project advance if I made it a regular blog thing. Unfortunately, the day I wanted to start writing was the day the Onion gave me a prompt about Archie comics. I haven't the faintest about anything to do with Archie. So, to start myself off, I picked a headline from the NY Times:

Texting May Be Taking a Toll
American teenagers send and receive an average of 2,272 text messages per month. The phenomenon is beginning to worry physicians and psychologists, who say it is leading to anxiety, distraction in school, falling grades, repetitive stress injury and sleep deprivation.

"That's it, I'm quitting text messages! From now on my only problems will be fighting crime at night, and video games."