All the Things Wrong with Indiana Jones 4
Normally I write about a movie after I see the whole thing, but this one is so terrible it deserves live blogging. Surprisingly, the whole alien subtext isn't the most offensive part.
1. NUKE THE FRIDGE - hah!
2. Cate Blanchett's accent - all over the place, totally did British in a few spots, flat-out American in others. I thought this woman was supposed to be a good actress?
3. The magnetic box - for a box so magnetic that it draws gunpower from across the room, its pull on nearer objects is completely inconsistent. For example, it pulls the crowbars in only AFTER they are used to open the wooden case (held together, presumably, by metal nails).
4. Shia LaBeouf's silly "Eric von Zipper" hat - we're supposed to believe this joker is bad ass?
5. The fact that Indiana Jones is both a tenured professor and decorated spy - it wasn't even convincing when Sidney Bristow was a literature grad student cum spy in Alias, so I sure as hell don't buy that an adventuring archaeologist can balance the publish or perish pressures of academia with fighting the Cold War.
6. The motorcycle chase scene - not just the improbability of the high-speed skirmish, which I'll allow is characteristic of the Indiana Jones fantasy world. After the chase, Indiana Jones GOES BACK TO HIS OWN HOME to research the crystal skull document - and the KGBs don't think to look for him there.
7. 3 times it drops - the gang survives three Amazonian waterfalls without a scratch, or so much as a lost fedora.
8. The vacuum UFO - it sucks up the double-agent guy with incredible velocity. Meanwhile, Jones standing 6 feet away, and holding the double agent by a whip, it totally suction-free.
9. I take back my first observation. The alien subtext wasn't so bad, but the alien text-text was insane.
All in all, not as bad as I thought it would be.
1. NUKE THE FRIDGE - hah!
2. Cate Blanchett's accent - all over the place, totally did British in a few spots, flat-out American in others. I thought this woman was supposed to be a good actress?
3. The magnetic box - for a box so magnetic that it draws gunpower from across the room, its pull on nearer objects is completely inconsistent. For example, it pulls the crowbars in only AFTER they are used to open the wooden case (held together, presumably, by metal nails).
4. Shia LaBeouf's silly "Eric von Zipper" hat - we're supposed to believe this joker is bad ass?
5. The fact that Indiana Jones is both a tenured professor and decorated spy - it wasn't even convincing when Sidney Bristow was a literature grad student cum spy in Alias, so I sure as hell don't buy that an adventuring archaeologist can balance the publish or perish pressures of academia with fighting the Cold War.
6. The motorcycle chase scene - not just the improbability of the high-speed skirmish, which I'll allow is characteristic of the Indiana Jones fantasy world. After the chase, Indiana Jones GOES BACK TO HIS OWN HOME to research the crystal skull document - and the KGBs don't think to look for him there.
7. 3 times it drops - the gang survives three Amazonian waterfalls without a scratch, or so much as a lost fedora.
8. The vacuum UFO - it sucks up the double-agent guy with incredible velocity. Meanwhile, Jones standing 6 feet away, and holding the double agent by a whip, it totally suction-free.
9. I take back my first observation. The alien subtext wasn't so bad, but the alien text-text was insane.
All in all, not as bad as I thought it would be.
posted by Rex at 8:40 PM
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