Wedding with the Jesus Freaks
If there was ever a wedding that needed alcohol, it was my Jesus-freak second-cousin's dry-as-a-bone wedding. Wow. Just on every level. I want to be happy for her, because it looks like the two of them are in love or something, and I'm trying not to be hostile to other people's happiness, even though I have this nagging feeling that I'd have every right to - but seriously, torture is just plain torture. I'll even skip the part where the whole event was planned on a budget from hell (to illustrate: the reception was in the church's gym, ie surrounded by basketball hoops and florescent lighting), because I maybe can respect that you have a lot of friends even if you don't have a lot of money, and I'll skip onto the rest of the ridiculousness.
1. The ceremony started about an hour late. Why? Because the bride's mom left her dress at home and had to drive back to get it. There's a Korean expression my mom used for people like that; roughly translated, "thirsty," ie watching that person fumble makes you thirsty. I don't think the Korean is referring to an alcoholic beverage, but insert that idea in there and you'll more or less get the sense of it.
2. The bride could hardly say her vows, for all her crying. Soon various other friends and relatives in the pulpits were crying too. It was like I was at a damn funeral.
3. The "now you may kiss the bride" moment? CHEEK KISS.
4. They didn't take RSVPs from their guests, with the result that there wasn't enough seating (in the basketball court). There was a little sign that reserved a table for the bride's family, but it got overrun by a bunch of church brats. We had to elbow ourselves in with some strangers. As my aunt observed, it looked like every deadbeat churchgoer in the parish showed up for a free dinner. Several guests were wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
5. The food was served buffet-style, which meant that half the guests were done and leaving even before the wedding party made their entrance. When the bride and groom finally did show up, they had their first dance...TO KENNY G. No doubt precipitating the mad dash for the doors.
6. But I stayed on bravely through most of it. The final straw, the last torture that made me say "Enough is enough!" was when these two emcees came up and started saying things like, "What is the meaning of love?" ARRRRRGH! I made like a banana and split.
7. When I came back about 10 minutes later, the emcees were still at it, but now doing a quiz show. "What did was the first thing the bride's dad said to his future son-in-law?" "What was the bride's least favorite subject in grade school?"
And that, my friends, is how Jesus freaks do weddings.
1. The ceremony started about an hour late. Why? Because the bride's mom left her dress at home and had to drive back to get it. There's a Korean expression my mom used for people like that; roughly translated, "thirsty," ie watching that person fumble makes you thirsty. I don't think the Korean is referring to an alcoholic beverage, but insert that idea in there and you'll more or less get the sense of it.
2. The bride could hardly say her vows, for all her crying. Soon various other friends and relatives in the pulpits were crying too. It was like I was at a damn funeral.
3. The "now you may kiss the bride" moment? CHEEK KISS.
4. They didn't take RSVPs from their guests, with the result that there wasn't enough seating (in the basketball court). There was a little sign that reserved a table for the bride's family, but it got overrun by a bunch of church brats. We had to elbow ourselves in with some strangers. As my aunt observed, it looked like every deadbeat churchgoer in the parish showed up for a free dinner. Several guests were wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
5. The food was served buffet-style, which meant that half the guests were done and leaving even before the wedding party made their entrance. When the bride and groom finally did show up, they had their first dance...TO KENNY G. No doubt precipitating the mad dash for the doors.
6. But I stayed on bravely through most of it. The final straw, the last torture that made me say "Enough is enough!" was when these two emcees came up and started saying things like, "What is the meaning of love?" ARRRRRGH! I made like a banana and split.
7. When I came back about 10 minutes later, the emcees were still at it, but now doing a quiz show. "What did was the first thing the bride's dad said to his future son-in-law?" "What was the bride's least favorite subject in grade school?"
And that, my friends, is how Jesus freaks do weddings.
posted by Rex at 7:54 PM
3 Comments:
UGH! Man that is hell. My mom brought me to a wedding for some church friend's daughter, and they had the good sense to have open bars during the reception AND the dinner. I was boozing all night to make it through the video slide show of the history of the bride and groom. Set to like, Coldplay or some crap band like that. I've only been to three good weddings: Ben and Anne's, my friend Amy's with copious alcohol and dancing, and one of my mom's coworker with a mariachi band and Mexican food.
This was a genuinely funny post, Rex; I'm glad to see that, in spite of all the shit that's been going on, you haven't lost your humor. I especially savored the following bit, which I think ascends to the level of "Classic":
"3. The "now you may kiss the bride" moment? CHEEK KISS."
Nice work!
Thanks. I wish I could take credit for the humor but everything, tragically, is all straight from reality. Can't make that shit up. To be honest I didn't even see the humor until other people pointed it out to me. I was just sitting there, in disbelief and exasperation, watching this sentimental cheek kiss and wondering what lamentations and recriminations would be ringing through the honeymoon suite of these two frightened maidens that night.
Leave it to the Christians to throw the wedding from hell. Kinda makes you rethink your goals viz. the Hereafter.
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