Solace in Unlikely Sources

Omg, when you think you have problems, the universe shows you, emphatically, just what a novice you are. I've been so crippled with problems this past week, that I'm barely now starting to crawl into recovery. One thing is certain: I suck at life. I used to think rock bottom was for bad people, and yet here I am. I'm smart, hard-working, and conscientious, so why does shit keep happening to me?

Here's a quick recap. I can't dwell too much because of the pain:

1. my new $1250 coaster = My $1000 computer Pubes, with a $250 warranty, needed an $825 repair that the warranty doesn't cover, no matter how much I argued to the Applefucks that the way they do math is economically retarded, and certainly fatal with respect to enlisting returning customers.

2. A myriad of boss' personal crap that I really resent doing. Not only did I have to clean up after his disorganized mess, but I also got yelled at for making a mistake. Then he threw another fit about how the dishwasher spits out dirty dishes. And then about how the conference table has crumbs. Jesus Christ.

3. LSAT dreams didn't come true
- canceled all plans, from brunch on Sunday to San Francisco in November to the J-O-B
- back to the books for another few weeks
- dream of staying in California potentially threatened
- panic attack, loss of confidence

In sum, rock bottom, suck at life. I couldn't even leave my bed on Saturday because everything just went black. It's a terrible thing for someone so susceptible to self-pity. And mood disorders. I'm really starting to consider if I'm bipolar. I used to dismiss it on the grounds that I'm not manic. But then I noticed that the depressive episodes are getting worse, and that it may be the case that I have even more problems when I'm not depressed. Chiefly, I've observed that I have a real problem getting along with people, wherever I go. In manic terms it might be called a rage issue.

But I digress. I was about to get to the part about the solace. First, the most surprising source of solace was quitting my job. The first few hours were fraught with anxiety and alarm and self-doubt, but D walked me through it (thanks!), and now I can calmly appraise the choice as liberating. Under the banner of "working for a good cause" this job really did subject me to a certain lack of basic respect that is dehumanizing, and that tried to make me into a drone.

I realized how much I had changed when I saw (1) Point Break Live! (AWESOME), esp. Bodhi's monologue about fucking the system, and (2) season 1 of the Office, and it suddenly made so much sense! It can only be because there's now a little bit of an automaton in me.

The second source of solace came yesterday, from ADD Boy, of all people. I was feeling pretty hopeless and friendless when he called; misery does this funny thing sometimes, where it makes you want to shun friends so as not to pollute them. But I care a bit less about what ADD Boy thinks about me, so I was glad to cry and complain to him. It's fascinating how much comfort an uninvested listener can provide. ADD Boy also has that unique simplicity that, while infuriating when you're trying to date him, is just what you need to put things back into perspective.