Nothing New

I was thinking to myself, how am I going to make it through this whole unemployed year? This feeling of hopelessness and purposelessness is unbearable! Then I remembered that I've been here before, and often: it's just another one of my normal depressive episodes, and once the dark mood passes over, I'll be able to look toward my challenges with greater optimism. In the past, I was able to feel depressed without projecting that state into my permanent future, because I had a routine and deadlines and so on. If anything, I felt irritated that I couldn't just cast off those obligations and do nothing, as my inclinations directed.

Now that dream has come true: I can let loose in my depression and not have to worry about screwing up my whole life in the aftermath of the episode. But the unexpected consequence of lacking that structure is that it's harder to identify the depression cycle as such; in other words, am I doomed to feel worthless forever, or at least as long as I continue to exercise no worth? Such thoughts would get me into a new low, because I would envision this long vista of years in which I do nothing and waste my youth and never realize my potential and die in a gutter.

It must have been over my afternoon cup of coffee or something when I suddenly had the bright thought that this feeling of despair is utterly familiar. Only the circumstances are different. And I know me, and I know that the feeling will pass in a few days, and I'll be ready to take action again. I just have to sit this out like I did in all the other episodes.

On a related note, I should probably look into treating this already. But I've always had some resistance to imagining myself as a pill-popper.