Assholes Killed My Dreams
I can't sleep tonight because I'm overwhelmed by this feeling that I've lost my way. I'm so unhappy. I was cruising this past month on uncertainty and regret, and above all, a flattered ego - I thought I missed grad school because I thought I might be making a mistake. But with time, inevitably, the effects of flattery start wearing off, and you start seeing things the way they are. The other day, I suddenly forgot the kind words of parting encouragement, and remembered all the persecution and unfairness that I suffered, and instead of feeling uncertain I felt very, very angry (again), because I could have gotten along fine if the assholes hadn't killed my dreams. Sure, maybe in the long run I might have come to the same conclusion, because I do think there would have been some horrible difficulties after graduation; but I wouldn't have lost the nerve to go on so soon if there had been some common decency.
You know, like: instead of admitting that I was one of the few people who deserved an A in a particular class (I ended up with a B+; but even that didn't bother me at the time), how about Janko just give me that damn A. Instead of telling me all year that I was on the brink of passing my Latin exam, how about passing me already. How about taking me out of the clutches of that asshole Arthur, especially after that arrangement has been acknowledged as a "conflict of interest." How about stop trying to change me (ie append a penis), and give me all those handouts and coddling that all the cute boys in my department have been getting. And most of all, how about giving me a compromise when I'm begging for even the smallest concession, instead of shutting me out cold with the understanding that I should give up all hope, or any answers at all.
But no. Because of all the two-faced haters I had to cut myself loose and now I don't know who I am anymore! Now I have to take LSAT classes with insufferable geeks. I'm on perpetual thin ice with the 'rents, and virtual self-imposed house arrest, because I have no income and no occupation and have transformed effectively into a drone. A year without a social life: if I don't get a job soon I will become a mole-person. And forget about meeting Mr. Right and getting married, because I couldn't catch a man even when I was cheery and fun, so fat chance I'll achieve it when I'm a mole-person. And finally, there's the LSAT: my whole future balancing on that one stupid exam, assclowns who can't even tell the difference between "who" and "whom" get to decide which school I get into!
OMG! I'm so unhappy! I had so much more clarity back when I was in that pit of vipers. Frying pan? Fire? God, who knows. I guess that's life, only I seem to be eating it a lot worse than other people who don't have self-destructive drug dependencies. Why do I have to be unemployed? Why do I have to turn into a mole-person? Shouldn't that kind of sadness be reserved for people like alcoholics?
You know, like: instead of admitting that I was one of the few people who deserved an A in a particular class (I ended up with a B+; but even that didn't bother me at the time), how about Janko just give me that damn A. Instead of telling me all year that I was on the brink of passing my Latin exam, how about passing me already. How about taking me out of the clutches of that asshole Arthur, especially after that arrangement has been acknowledged as a "conflict of interest." How about stop trying to change me (ie append a penis), and give me all those handouts and coddling that all the cute boys in my department have been getting. And most of all, how about giving me a compromise when I'm begging for even the smallest concession, instead of shutting me out cold with the understanding that I should give up all hope, or any answers at all.
But no. Because of all the two-faced haters I had to cut myself loose and now I don't know who I am anymore! Now I have to take LSAT classes with insufferable geeks. I'm on perpetual thin ice with the 'rents, and virtual self-imposed house arrest, because I have no income and no occupation and have transformed effectively into a drone. A year without a social life: if I don't get a job soon I will become a mole-person. And forget about meeting Mr. Right and getting married, because I couldn't catch a man even when I was cheery and fun, so fat chance I'll achieve it when I'm a mole-person. And finally, there's the LSAT: my whole future balancing on that one stupid exam, assclowns who can't even tell the difference between "who" and "whom" get to decide which school I get into!
OMG! I'm so unhappy! I had so much more clarity back when I was in that pit of vipers. Frying pan? Fire? God, who knows. I guess that's life, only I seem to be eating it a lot worse than other people who don't have self-destructive drug dependencies. Why do I have to be unemployed? Why do I have to turn into a mole-person? Shouldn't that kind of sadness be reserved for people like alcoholics?
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posted by Rex at 1:37 AM
4 Comments:
Hellos to the most beautiful, intelligent, well written and well spoken, charming SoKo (i.e. South Korean if your Not in the know, hummpf!) i know. I hear your frustration and I think that its healthy to look back at the tough situation and feel angry, because it confirms that your treatment at U of M was shit. I think that you have entered the 3rd stage of 'getting shit on your face' grief -- the first being outrage, the second being a calming resolution and action, the third being detached anger at the iniquity of others (I am making these stages up as i go, we'll think of the following stages as they appear).
If you need a cheer up, you can come to my grandparents apt in PR when Alissa goes for vacation. (I will join her after a while, but first its a girls retreat). Maybe what you need is a low cost personal/girls week in the caribbean on the sunset strip of Puerto Rico. If these plans develop I'll keep you in the loop, and you can decide to go if you want.
love, hugs, and encouragement.
BTW-next time, tell that girl off with a calm and easy tone.
Rex,
I think we should step back and see the situation for what it really is. If you stayed and took all the changes that this department will shove down your throat, you would definitely have lost a sense of yourself. Instead, yes, you may have to redefine your career goals, but you are still you.
Also, grief does come in stages, so go with it. Don't think of the LSAT and law school as this hard and set thing that your life depends on, but rather one option and one choice that you're trying for now. After all, hey, that's what I'm doing with medical school.
Finally, your parents will ease off, if only for their own sanity. You'll have a job, develop extracurriculars pertinent to forming new life goals, and it'll work out. It'll also just feel like high school for a few months...
Take care!
Da
I can see how you'd be angry and frustrated at the situation, given the fact that you were totally screwed by a department of unsocialized jackasses. I know that it's hard trying to justify your present state of in-between-ness to the people around you and even to yourself. But it's something that I think most people have to deal with, even if they "toughed it out" (i.e., too chickenshit to draw a line in the sand). For instance, I'm trying to justify to myself why I spent (it seems like wasted) the last 7 years of my life in pursuit of a degree in a field that I don't really want to be in for the rest of my life. I don't know what's next, but try telling the 'rents that hey, the seven years your child could have capitalized on her earning potential, she pissed away in the Midwest. It's shitty.
But like one of the comments said, there's no such thing as the only way; there are just options which are presently before you. And there are options that just haven't presented themselves yet. Think of now as a time to start fresh, and really take the time to figure out what it is you want to do, and who you want to be. If it means starting from scratch or more school, then so be it. You owe that to yourself if you're going to be doing something for the next several decades. And if you know something just is not for you, don't try to embrace it.
And as for the LSAT asshole, tell her to fucking mind her own business about the gum and about other peoples' questions. If anyone wanted her to open her face, they'd direct a question to her. Phrased a bit more diplomatically, perhaps. Or not.
Take care, and if you need a person to vent to, you have my number.
Aw, this is so kind. I guess I had a really bitter moment, but I'm back to feeling more over it again. Until the next wave of indignation, of course. That being said, keep me in the loop about PR, Que-ni.
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