God Provides In Mysterious Ways
I remember this is what Scarlett O'Hara thought when she murdered the Yankee who intruded into Tara and discovered that his pockets were full of money and booty.
Who would have thought that a horrible, crippling travesty from the past would be healed by yet another horrible, crippling travesty in the present? I was so angry - it didn't seem fair - that I was on my way to being a victim a second time. But now I kind of see the cosmic logic. One of the things that kept me from moving on is that I never got a chance to see what it would have been like to have done things differently. Even a very thoughtful relationship couldn't make me forget. Perversely enough, it was better for me to relive those howling fantods (DFW).
This time, I didn't take the high road, and walk away; I bit into the enemy and demanded revenge. On the one hand it was satisfying in it's own right - especially since I dragged it out until I knew I'd exacted enough revenge for two assholes. On the other hand, it allowed me to see how frustrating it would have been to go further down that road. It's impossible to argue with an immoral person, because he has no sense of accountability, and once the pressure starts cooking, he'll declare that he doesn't give a shit about anything.
I also get the feeling that an immoral person, or maybe even a moral person, will never admit wrongdoing in an agonistic setting. Self-justification - and self-preservation - will overpower any sense of acknowledged guilt, until even the asshole begins to believe his own lies.
And yet, the interesting thing is that I actually do believe they were sorry, beneath the sarcasm and insults. I got a little glimpse of it in a calmer moment. But finding that apology is like hunting for diamond mines, and God help me if I ever get a straight account of their motivations. But like my mom said, I can't expect everyone to think like me - so I should just stop trying to understand bastardly thought processes.
Who would have thought that a horrible, crippling travesty from the past would be healed by yet another horrible, crippling travesty in the present? I was so angry - it didn't seem fair - that I was on my way to being a victim a second time. But now I kind of see the cosmic logic. One of the things that kept me from moving on is that I never got a chance to see what it would have been like to have done things differently. Even a very thoughtful relationship couldn't make me forget. Perversely enough, it was better for me to relive those howling fantods (DFW).
This time, I didn't take the high road, and walk away; I bit into the enemy and demanded revenge. On the one hand it was satisfying in it's own right - especially since I dragged it out until I knew I'd exacted enough revenge for two assholes. On the other hand, it allowed me to see how frustrating it would have been to go further down that road. It's impossible to argue with an immoral person, because he has no sense of accountability, and once the pressure starts cooking, he'll declare that he doesn't give a shit about anything.
I also get the feeling that an immoral person, or maybe even a moral person, will never admit wrongdoing in an agonistic setting. Self-justification - and self-preservation - will overpower any sense of acknowledged guilt, until even the asshole begins to believe his own lies.
And yet, the interesting thing is that I actually do believe they were sorry, beneath the sarcasm and insults. I got a little glimpse of it in a calmer moment. But finding that apology is like hunting for diamond mines, and God help me if I ever get a straight account of their motivations. But like my mom said, I can't expect everyone to think like me - so I should just stop trying to understand bastardly thought processes.
posted by Rex at 1:59 AM
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