Clearly, I Don't Know Shit

Last November, I was asking people out on dates and feeling good about myself. I thought, How nice it is to take initiative, instead of waiting around for Chance to make things happen for me. Maybe God identified with Chance, because He seems to have taken it personally.

I feel like I am nothing but wretchedness. I've screwed up before with people's feelings, and when I did, I used to feel an active dread, beyond guilt, knowing that karma was going to come back and get me. Sure enough, it did; about a year ago, I fell head over heels for a boy who didn't want me.

So last November, I had this brilliant flash: I should set things right as much as it is within my power. I called up an old flame whom I thought I didn't give a fair chance to the first time around. He neglected me, so I broke up with him (again). When my friends expressed their sympathy, I laughed. "After what I went through last year, it's water off a duck's back. I'd tell him to come back when he had something really hurtful for me."

Why didn't I just shut my big flapping hole instead of putting ideas into the divinity's humor-loving head? I get a call today and find out that I had been the Other Woman for the two months I was dating this Jackass.

When I refuse to feel wretched myself, I make other people wretched. I just don't know how I'm supposed to make things better.