Andy, the Boy of My Dreams
Here's a tasty new morsel for the fans of my stand-up act - what's turning into a cycle tentatively called "Songs of Suffering." The whole thing is a bit of a blur, being as it was a marathon of unmitigated pain, but I'll try to capture it as faithfully as I can through a collage of quotations. I doubt any embellishment on my part could improve the story. I only add this one insight: from all the unmitigated pain, I was able to gain a strong renewal of conviction, and fresh ammo for the ongoing debate with my mom.
"When you get a chance, tell me what you think about Andy."
"I heard that! Are you trying to play match-maker?"
"Rex needs to meet a nice Korean boy, and Andy's the son of a pastor. I told Andy about Rex, and he already looked her up on facebook."
"Um. He's not very cute."
"Well, he helped me work the grill, so go flirt with him anyways."
"Oh, very well."
"I have another friend named Rex Bikini."
"It's a very common name. I went to high school with 3 other Rex Bikinis, college with 3 or 4, and grad school with 2."
"Andy's a common name too."
"Is it? I guess it's simple, like Rex. After the parents named my brother Moses, they decided it was better to go with a name that's easy to say."
"Is your family religious?"
"What?"
"They named your brother Moses."
"Oh. Yeah, the original inspiration was the biblical Moses. But then they got to me and preferred sound over meaning. Unfortunately every other parent in 19?? had the same idea. I recently learned that I actually have a second cousin named Rex Bikini, too."
"Really? I don't have any Rex Bikinis in my family...but I'm related to only one branch of Bikini, and that's by marriage. What about you? What are the other names in your family?"
"It's mostly the Bikinis, the [bleeps], and the Lees."
"Lees are good. They're the descendants of royalty, so you know they're rich. My great-grandfather was from the king's family."
"King? Oh come on. That was during the Japanese occupation!"
"Yeah, but they still had their land, so they were rich."
"My dream is to be like my mom: get rich by investing, and do nothing."
"I didn't know that V was one of those girls."
"What do you mean?"
"The kind of girls who are really into food and cooking. I have a lot of girlfriends who are like that. They grew up really rich, and ate out all the time at fancy restaurants."
"I would think those people know less about cooking, since they haven't had much chance to try it themselves."
"No, they're the ones who know food the best, because they ate nothing but the really expensive stuff."
"Where did your parents go to school? Did they go to college in Korea or here?"
[bleep]
"My dad went to Berkeley. He got a degree in electrical engineering there, but then he changed and got his MBA. Now he's a pastor. Ha-ha!"
"I want to go to law school someday too. My uncle went to Harvard law, and that's where I'd want to go. I don't like Boston the city, but the law school and business school campuses are pretty nice."
"If you want to go to law school, what's stopping you from shooting for it now?"
"A couple of things. First, it's taking me a long time to finish undergrad. I've been at UCLA for 7 years."
"Oh. Well I'm sure you're almost done by now. If you're serious about your goals, now is a great time to make it happen."
"That's the thing, I don't know if it's where I want to be right now. I'm thinking I'll go to law school after I get married. It'll be easier then to settle down and study."
"You think? I feel like most people have the opposite idea: you know, get your career stuff settled and done first, and then start thinking about marriage and family."
"I'm just too all over the place right now. I figure a wife will help me stay in one place. With her to support me, I'll be able to do my thing and go to school. She'll go to work every day, and I'll take classes and come home and watch the kids."
"Um, wow. Maybe this is a difference between boys and girls. Most girls I know would not feel ready to start a family while they're still in school."
"Well, the other thing is, my family will give me a lot of money after I get married, so I'll have more security then."
"I used to have a cool razor with all the special features, but it got stolen a few months ago. And the people who stole it were Mexican, because when my mom got the phone bill there were all these long-distance calls to Mexico. They called all their family, and the families called their families, on my phone, and they downloaded every ringtone. I emailed my mom to tell her that my phone was stolen, but she didn't get it until months later, because she was in Singapore, and by then they billed about $1200 in extra charges."
"My dream is to be like my mom: get rich by investing, and do nothing."
[Lecture to a larger group:]
"Korean society is not based on talent like it is here. It's all about connections, and who you know. That's why all Korean people are connected to gangsters. You should see the people at my church: on the outside they look like normal people and Christians, but all the men are into criminal stuff, or they're related to people in Korea who are part of these major gangs. My whole family, everyone's in a gang."
"When you get a chance, tell me what you think about Andy."
"I heard that! Are you trying to play match-maker?"
"Rex needs to meet a nice Korean boy, and Andy's the son of a pastor. I told Andy about Rex, and he already looked her up on facebook."
"Um. He's not very cute."
"Well, he helped me work the grill, so go flirt with him anyways."
"Oh, very well."
"I have another friend named Rex Bikini."
"It's a very common name. I went to high school with 3 other Rex Bikinis, college with 3 or 4, and grad school with 2."
"Andy's a common name too."
"Is it? I guess it's simple, like Rex. After the parents named my brother Moses, they decided it was better to go with a name that's easy to say."
"Is your family religious?"
"What?"
"They named your brother Moses."
"Oh. Yeah, the original inspiration was the biblical Moses. But then they got to me and preferred sound over meaning. Unfortunately every other parent in 19?? had the same idea. I recently learned that I actually have a second cousin named Rex Bikini, too."
"Really? I don't have any Rex Bikinis in my family...but I'm related to only one branch of Bikini, and that's by marriage. What about you? What are the other names in your family?"
"It's mostly the Bikinis, the [bleeps], and the Lees."
"Lees are good. They're the descendants of royalty, so you know they're rich. My great-grandfather was from the king's family."
"King? Oh come on. That was during the Japanese occupation!"
"Yeah, but they still had their land, so they were rich."
"My dream is to be like my mom: get rich by investing, and do nothing."
"I didn't know that V was one of those girls."
"What do you mean?"
"The kind of girls who are really into food and cooking. I have a lot of girlfriends who are like that. They grew up really rich, and ate out all the time at fancy restaurants."
"I would think those people know less about cooking, since they haven't had much chance to try it themselves."
"No, they're the ones who know food the best, because they ate nothing but the really expensive stuff."
"Where did your parents go to school? Did they go to college in Korea or here?"
[bleep]
"My dad went to Berkeley. He got a degree in electrical engineering there, but then he changed and got his MBA. Now he's a pastor. Ha-ha!"
"I want to go to law school someday too. My uncle went to Harvard law, and that's where I'd want to go. I don't like Boston the city, but the law school and business school campuses are pretty nice."
"If you want to go to law school, what's stopping you from shooting for it now?"
"A couple of things. First, it's taking me a long time to finish undergrad. I've been at UCLA for 7 years."
"Oh. Well I'm sure you're almost done by now. If you're serious about your goals, now is a great time to make it happen."
"That's the thing, I don't know if it's where I want to be right now. I'm thinking I'll go to law school after I get married. It'll be easier then to settle down and study."
"You think? I feel like most people have the opposite idea: you know, get your career stuff settled and done first, and then start thinking about marriage and family."
"I'm just too all over the place right now. I figure a wife will help me stay in one place. With her to support me, I'll be able to do my thing and go to school. She'll go to work every day, and I'll take classes and come home and watch the kids."
"Um, wow. Maybe this is a difference between boys and girls. Most girls I know would not feel ready to start a family while they're still in school."
"Well, the other thing is, my family will give me a lot of money after I get married, so I'll have more security then."
"I used to have a cool razor with all the special features, but it got stolen a few months ago. And the people who stole it were Mexican, because when my mom got the phone bill there were all these long-distance calls to Mexico. They called all their family, and the families called their families, on my phone, and they downloaded every ringtone. I emailed my mom to tell her that my phone was stolen, but she didn't get it until months later, because she was in Singapore, and by then they billed about $1200 in extra charges."
"My dream is to be like my mom: get rich by investing, and do nothing."
[Lecture to a larger group:]
"Korean society is not based on talent like it is here. It's all about connections, and who you know. That's why all Korean people are connected to gangsters. You should see the people at my church: on the outside they look like normal people and Christians, but all the men are into criminal stuff, or they're related to people in Korea who are part of these major gangs. My whole family, everyone's in a gang."
posted by Rex at 4:07 PM
2 Comments:
What? What is this? You need to tell me more about this whole deal. Oh, especially that gangster angle. Does that mean that, through you, I'm also loosely connected to Korean organized crime?
Hahaha, no! That's what was so bogus about this clown: his claims were totally unsubstantiated. My mom was like, it sounds like he learned everything about Koreans from a soap opera.
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