Why Am I So Upset?
I've been a dejected wet blanket for the last 30 hours of so, since I found out that I did not pass my fucking Latin exam. I couldn't even stand to sit here and blog my complaints, because it pissed me off to think about it. I couldn't call my family to tell them, even though usually I call them like every other day and tell them everything. I wanted to call up some friends and make them listen to me wail, but I stopped myself because it made me self-conscious to show this side of me. So I've been gnashing my teeth impotently and antisocially, when suddenly I ask myself -
Why the hell do I even care?
It's not like I wasn't expecting it. I don't really believe that my program can send me out into the world right now as an expert and not be embarrassed by my amateurism. I told myself that all I wanted to do was pass one exam this summer, and I did that already (Greek history). I'm not actually afraid anymore that I'll get kicked out of my program - I've been doing really well in my classes this semester, and I know that I've proven myself to some extent, and at any rate, I think I've won over enough allies among the profs to bail me out if I should really get in a pinch...
In answer to these considerations, I've come up with a couple theories as to why I might be so upset. First and foremost, I'm upset because this means I can't stop reading Latin forever, like I was hoping to do, until another one to two years. Appended to that is the fact that I actually don't give a damn about Latin, it's a thorn in my side! I know I'm no expert, but I honestly believe I have enough to get me to where I need to go; everything else is this silly philologist masturbation based on professional pride - the way the marines will force you to learn how to waltz if you join (true story).
I also know that they didn't pass me partly because of politics. Me and the professor grading the exam famously don't get along (because he's a closeted homosexual and I'm a back-talking woman). I thought I did decently enough on the exam. It probably had a lot of awkwardnesses and a few mistakes, but I've definitely turned in worse exams before with successful results. Furthermore, I know I will take this exam again in about 2 years, at the last possible moment when I can, and I know that they will pass me just because they have to - and in truth it will be about as good, or perhaps SLIGHTLY better, than the exam I just failed. So it's like what's the fucking point of this whole fucking charade.
Then there's that whole issue of self-promotion, which I'm really kicking myself about. Just the other day one of my professors was talking about how one of my colleagues, the biggest charlatan in the world, is an "expert" in ancient music. HA! I thought; she's no expert, she just keeps saying she's an expert until enough people start to believe her (fyi, there's pretty much no such thing in the world as an expert in ancient music; the documentation of it is too scarce). As much as I think her kind of advertisement is tacky, that's how I should have gone around talking about my Latin skills. If they thought I thought Latin was the one thing in the world I was proud of and confident in, they would have to think twice, and really really hard, before they venture to contradict me and crush me, right? Instead, I was honest about my feelings of doubt, and I think I might have even let it slip out (idiotically) that once I pass this exam I'll be done with Latin forever and ever.
I'm sure the professors, alarmed, felt they had something to say about that.
Finally - and this took some psychological probing - I think there's a part of me that seriously believes my family and friends will stop loving me if I fail. As if they really give a shit about dead languages, right? My left brain tells me that it's probably MORE embarrassing to them that I'm even doing this - instead of something meaningful, like Peace Corps. And yet here I am, and I can't otherwise explain why I feel so dejected. It's like I'm too abashed to go outside and be seen. One of my raison d'etres has been stripped away, and that makes all the others suspect.
Why the hell do I even care?
It's not like I wasn't expecting it. I don't really believe that my program can send me out into the world right now as an expert and not be embarrassed by my amateurism. I told myself that all I wanted to do was pass one exam this summer, and I did that already (Greek history). I'm not actually afraid anymore that I'll get kicked out of my program - I've been doing really well in my classes this semester, and I know that I've proven myself to some extent, and at any rate, I think I've won over enough allies among the profs to bail me out if I should really get in a pinch...
In answer to these considerations, I've come up with a couple theories as to why I might be so upset. First and foremost, I'm upset because this means I can't stop reading Latin forever, like I was hoping to do, until another one to two years. Appended to that is the fact that I actually don't give a damn about Latin, it's a thorn in my side! I know I'm no expert, but I honestly believe I have enough to get me to where I need to go; everything else is this silly philologist masturbation based on professional pride - the way the marines will force you to learn how to waltz if you join (true story).
I also know that they didn't pass me partly because of politics. Me and the professor grading the exam famously don't get along (because he's a closeted homosexual and I'm a back-talking woman). I thought I did decently enough on the exam. It probably had a lot of awkwardnesses and a few mistakes, but I've definitely turned in worse exams before with successful results. Furthermore, I know I will take this exam again in about 2 years, at the last possible moment when I can, and I know that they will pass me just because they have to - and in truth it will be about as good, or perhaps SLIGHTLY better, than the exam I just failed. So it's like what's the fucking point of this whole fucking charade.
Then there's that whole issue of self-promotion, which I'm really kicking myself about. Just the other day one of my professors was talking about how one of my colleagues, the biggest charlatan in the world, is an "expert" in ancient music. HA! I thought; she's no expert, she just keeps saying she's an expert until enough people start to believe her (fyi, there's pretty much no such thing in the world as an expert in ancient music; the documentation of it is too scarce). As much as I think her kind of advertisement is tacky, that's how I should have gone around talking about my Latin skills. If they thought I thought Latin was the one thing in the world I was proud of and confident in, they would have to think twice, and really really hard, before they venture to contradict me and crush me, right? Instead, I was honest about my feelings of doubt, and I think I might have even let it slip out (idiotically) that once I pass this exam I'll be done with Latin forever and ever.
I'm sure the professors, alarmed, felt they had something to say about that.
Finally - and this took some psychological probing - I think there's a part of me that seriously believes my family and friends will stop loving me if I fail. As if they really give a shit about dead languages, right? My left brain tells me that it's probably MORE embarrassing to them that I'm even doing this - instead of something meaningful, like Peace Corps. And yet here I am, and I can't otherwise explain why I feel so dejected. It's like I'm too abashed to go outside and be seen. One of my raison d'etres has been stripped away, and that makes all the others suspect.
posted by Rex at 9:40 PM
2 Comments:
he is a virtual hug, my arms around your round head and shoulders
(oOo)
Thanks. The karaoke helped too.
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