Pinocchio, Nancy Reagan

I always say that I was the one success story in Nancy Reagan's Just Say No campaign. Everyone else was able to see through it as being the total Pangloss-fantasy that it is, but I alone, to this day, still hear my inner voice saying "NO!" when confronted with a questionable (or even acceptable, like alcohol) temptation.

Yesterday, I was stuck in traffic on the freeway and I saw a man in another car smoking a cigar. Here's a near-exact transcript of what went through my head:

"Cigar is an interesting choice. They say that cigars are better for you than cigarettes because you puff instead of inhaling. Still, I would never try a cigar...for who can judge when the puffing stops and the inhaling begins? After all, Pinocchio didn't know better and he inhaled, and look what happened to him...

"OH MY GOD. Pinocchio is the real reason why I've stayed vice-free all these years!"

Not that I literally believe that I'll turn into a donkey if I misbehave, or that I'll have to go diving into a whale (of a whale...hehe). But everything about Pleasure Island filled my young heart with a terrible fear - the kind of fear you have for ugly things, like corpses. And what was on Pleasure Island? Cigars, beer, gambling, pool, and playing hooky. So I kept off the drugs and the booze, I stayed (and stayed) in school, and I never go to Vegas. Pool, somehow, I've managed to get over; it strikes me as innocent enough (...which is strange, since I remember that the eight ball was one of Jiminy Cricket's great obstacles).

So now I've discovered the embarrassing truth: a cartoon puppet (who says things like, "Gee! A Real Boy!") was the most definitive thing in keeping me on the straight and narrow. It's pretty disillusioning, when you put it all in perspective, but at least I can say now, with everyone else -

In your face, Nancy Reagan!

(Just kidding. I don't deny that Just Say No must have had some influence on my life.)