Penitence
The other day, Happy Donuts Girl and I were commiserating sorrowfully about how vain we've become lately. HDG remarked, "It's bad, because I know better!" and we reflected how being self-aware of vanity makes the (somehow irresistible) practice of it all the more tragic.
The conversation made me think about my other faults, at least of which I'm aware. Some of these would sound pretty pedestrian, but I think are significantly damaging in the long run. To name a few: selfishness, unreliability, lack of discipline, tendency for apathy, prodigality, and of course, vanity. Wrath, vengefulness, uncharitableness, and often a simple lack of kindness or empathy.
After enumerating all these thoughts in my head, I began to recall miserably how often I had enumerated these thoughts in my head before; and how each time, I would leap up with resolve in my heart and say, "That's it! I'm going to turn my life around." Never never did I succeed as I had planned, and if I did ever accomplish some character improvement it happened so gradually through time that I would have stopped thinking about it altogether - that is, that virtue would have become a part of me - by the time I met my goal. For example, I like to think one virtue I have is that I value people for the right reasons, instead of superficial ones; but then, being unfairly judgmental is usually something I don't think twice about. I simply don't do it, or I stop myself immediately when I do.
By the way, I threw that in there for my friends, because you know you're special if I like you.
So I concluded that character faults are a lot like what they say about drug addictions; if it was something you could control, you probably wouldn't the mess you're in in the first place. If I had it in me to say, "Today I will stop being selfish," and actually deliver, it simply never would have been an issue.
Which brings me back to the subject of penitence. I used to be one to think that saying sorry isn't enough unless you show that you mean it, and Martin Luther's whole thing about faith alone, instead of faith + good works, used to strike me as a supreme cop out. But having tried to repent and change myself, and then having failed, I'm starting to adopt a different outlook. I wonder now if penitence is not the most difficult - and indeed the only momentous - thing within our power to do to better ourselves. The rest is incidental, and almost like luck.
The conversation made me think about my other faults, at least of which I'm aware. Some of these would sound pretty pedestrian, but I think are significantly damaging in the long run. To name a few: selfishness, unreliability, lack of discipline, tendency for apathy, prodigality, and of course, vanity. Wrath, vengefulness, uncharitableness, and often a simple lack of kindness or empathy.
After enumerating all these thoughts in my head, I began to recall miserably how often I had enumerated these thoughts in my head before; and how each time, I would leap up with resolve in my heart and say, "That's it! I'm going to turn my life around." Never never did I succeed as I had planned, and if I did ever accomplish some character improvement it happened so gradually through time that I would have stopped thinking about it altogether - that is, that virtue would have become a part of me - by the time I met my goal. For example, I like to think one virtue I have is that I value people for the right reasons, instead of superficial ones; but then, being unfairly judgmental is usually something I don't think twice about. I simply don't do it, or I stop myself immediately when I do.
By the way, I threw that in there for my friends, because you know you're special if I like you.
So I concluded that character faults are a lot like what they say about drug addictions; if it was something you could control, you probably wouldn't the mess you're in in the first place. If I had it in me to say, "Today I will stop being selfish," and actually deliver, it simply never would have been an issue.
Which brings me back to the subject of penitence. I used to be one to think that saying sorry isn't enough unless you show that you mean it, and Martin Luther's whole thing about faith alone, instead of faith + good works, used to strike me as a supreme cop out. But having tried to repent and change myself, and then having failed, I'm starting to adopt a different outlook. I wonder now if penitence is not the most difficult - and indeed the only momentous - thing within our power to do to better ourselves. The rest is incidental, and almost like luck.
posted by Rex at 11:21 PM
2 Comments:
You're crazy. You're one of the most moral, values-oriented people I know. You do follow through. You're NOT selfish (or as selfish as others I know). And you have a good head on your shoulders.
Thanks, love. Don't pay attention to me, that's just the depression talking. God, I've been such a drag lately! I'll try to be more interesting.
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